In The Loving Memory of My Grandma

20140809_114934Ten days ago, my family went through a tragedy as my grandma and one of the best people in this world, died of cancer at 65 years old, only one month after the diagnosis. I arrived in Burgas on Saturday late night; on Monday morning she passed away.

“Why do I feel so sick?” was my first thought every morning since I found out that she had cancer. Every day since she was diagnosed, I woke up with a sickness in my stomach that my mind could not place, until I remembered. I could not believe it – Goddesses could not have cancer..How I longed that this was not being real, how I wished she could get better! For her, for my granddad, for my mum and my aunt, for me.. please let it be a nightmare that I am going to wake up any moment now from and forget.

I wanted my life back so badly. My naïve, optimistic world, where I could have the luxury to worry and obsess about all minor, stupid, meaningless things that seemed so big, so important, and could not really matter less now.

“Mishe, you are home, you are here!” is what she told me on Sunday when I arrived, and reached out to me to hug her. I held her tight and asked her to promise me to eat and get better. She promised. I showed her the scarf that I brought to her from Mumbai, which I was sure, she would wear every day. She was gone the next day.

She did not know, but I was there, we all were. We were talking to her, begging her to open her eyes, but instead, she stopped breathing. It is still surreal to me, like a dream, a horrible, tragic one, which I don’t want to believe actually happened. There are no words in the world to express how I felt in that moment when I knew I will not see her again.

I may have a moment of stupidity now, but I do not understand this, and the more I think about it, the less logical it seems. She was one of the healthiest people I knew, not to mention – one of the most incredible and good people. She and granddad should have had many more years together, it breaks my heart. She should have, some day, been at my wedding.

She loved red – every time I wear something red, I feel closer to her. I will always remember her the way she was the last summer we saw each other, 2015. Beautiful, healthy, cheerful, alive. She has taught me so much, about life and love, and I will always remember.
Putting all these words on the screen helps me, in a tiny bit, to move a way forward. I know that the best way to honor her is to get back to work, go after my dreams, love, live. But I miss her every second of every day.

Бабо, липсваш ни ужасно много! Благодаря, че ме изчака за да те прегърна, но не исках да ти казвам сбогом.. Моля се да си на едно по-добрo място, да си добре, ангел мой. Обичам те безкрайно много! Твоята Миш

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